Sta.sh
As we watched brown-clad riders crest the currents,
As we plunged seas of shade to deafen our senses,
to submerge in the smokescreen of façade and disguise
with the poise of a dirt-encrusted boulder,
As we followed the bright auroras snaking across the path,
As we tumbled after the next penny to tread our vision,
to fulfil our senseless skins with wealth and emptiness,
while ignoring the claxonning bells in white,
A pinprick, no more, punched through the walls and
daylight filtered through to our filmy cells.
As we thirsted for air beyond membranes of grey,
As we tore through our veils in search of the light,
We were tempted again by scarlets and golds,
to drown once more in the tired fabrics of waste.
But radiant hands reached, grasping our hearts,
and lifted the tarnished, feeble Us
back onto the sand, and as we looked,
there were many others submerged in the grey.
As we inhaled the green grass, the translucent sky,
As we flinched at our hands, repulsed by the stains,
they were gently wiped clean by a pearly-waxen white, when
another flailing hand appeared in the waves.
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XD;;; sorry that just sounds kinda funny.
Love the imagery in this, but the second last stanza just seems a little less... imaginative (?) than the others.
Hmmm you need a preview pic. Tell me if you want me to make one.
I need ideas XD;;;
Lalalalaaaa...can you make me a preview pic? ^^ If it doesn't go into your study time or anything that is...
yesh I wanna make you a pic.... XD;;;;;
Anything in particular? like... mood? etc.
AHAHAHA WHAT STUDY TIME?! *goes super insane*
Umm, yeah, pic. Something contrasty, like black/white vs colour, soft vs harsh....something like that o.O;; Thankyou! :3
I'm going to wait for a while before doing a thorough critique. For now, I will say that I like your imagery a lot.
I'll go through this in more detail another day
Wheeee thank you so much ^___^
Okay, I'll just go through this like...stanza by stanza. And ignore the rambly-ness; I'm tired and not thinking in straight lines!
S1: L1 - I like the alliteration in 'crest the currents', but I don't like 'brown-clothed riders' because when you say it aloud, it's almost tongue-twistery. Especially with 'watched' before it. It just kind of trips me up in my brain and doesn't start off with a good flow. You could put 'clad' instead of 'clothed' for the same meaning, perhaps, keeping that alliteration.
The rest of the stanza uses great alliteration, and some great images. My only concern is the image of the dirt-encrusted shelf. I really like this image, but it seems kind of...well, random, whacked on the end of a stanza that has a real sea-feel to it. I'm not sure what I would do about it, though. Maybe you can explain why you put it in this stanza?
S2: L1 - at the end of this line, you introduce iambic meter - then take it away in the next line. It's the ''cross' instead of 'across' that does this, I feel. So you can put 'across', because it really doesn't interrupt the flow of the line in any major way that causes problems, as far as I can see.
Again, I like the rest of this stanza and the images you use.
S3: Love it. I love that break, that tiny ray of something different, and I love that it's only two lines. 'walls' and 'cells' looks great one underneath the other. Also love that 'cells' as in prison/'cells' as in our own bodies or lives thing. Awesome.
S4: I like the membranes/veil thing. They go well together, those lines. I like the use of colour - we are stuck behind this grey view of everything, and when something red or gold comes along, we go "ooh pretty I want it". Red being symbollically the colour of danger and gold reminding me of fool's gold just add to this image.
L4 - the thing I don't like about this is the idea of once more drowning in tattering rags, because the rags image doesn't crop up in the poem before you mention it here. But this is a minor thing, and just a bit of a nitpicky detail on my part that you can feel free to ignore.
S5: Lose the comma after 'Us' - it interrupts the flow of the full sentence, and the line break separates them enough without adding an extra pause.
I like the reiteration of grey - I think in the first stanza you might want to think about using grey as a symbol for the sea thing, because it only becomes really clear in S4 and this stanza.
S6: L2I think change 'from' to 'at' - it makes the image make more sense.
L3 I don't like 'replaced by', because it seems rather weak. You could do a better job with the imagery here, and - this is my suggestion:
they were gently wiped clean by a pearl-waxen white, when
Take it or leave it, or amend it or reject it, it's up to you. It's just a suggestion
So that was my epic-length critique. I have to go critique Ebony's poetry now - but at least this is more productive procrastination than watching Australian Idol!
S1: Mmm...I agree, brown-clad riders sounds much better ^^ I'll change that when I can hehe. As for the dirt-encrusted shelf...I'm not sure, but when I think of sea-related stuff, there's like -nothing- that's well...old, clumsy, rusty and crusted image I was trying to get. It is a bit random I agree...when I have time, I'll try and think of another one
S2: Alrighty, I'll change that - I didn't even really notice it was in iambic pantameter
S3: Thanks! ^^ I liked it too XD
S4: Hmm you have a good point there about the rags image...I might change that to something lost to sea and faded and worn over time...I'll think about it.
S5: Interesting suggestion about the use of grey in earlier stanzas. I sorta tried putting it already though, with the smoke, dust and shade...generally they're grey aren't they? >__>
S6: I like this amendment! It sounds wonderfully better than a science report (which is what it currently sorta does sound like, I admit).
Thank you so much for the effort you put into critiqueing! Maybe someday I'll be able to write as well as you do~ You have a fan club! XD But really, I really appreciate all the work and time you've put into helping me and my freakishly horrible poetry
In regards to the grey thing - when you use other things to describe colours, sometimes readers get other pictures in their minds. Like smoke - yes, I see grey. But with dust, I tend to see a tawny brownish-yellow, and shade makes me think of trees and green. This is just me, though - I do think that the grey image does come through, and if you use the word 'grey' too much it's overkill. So you can feel free to ignore that suggestion.
I'm not that good, seriously. I just write, and I edit, and I do what I can.